


Fun with Billy

by monaboyd_archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-02
Updated: 2003-12-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 11:29:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7638364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monaboyd_archivist/pseuds/monaboyd_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy and Dom have a series of adventures with disasterous results</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fun with Billy

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Bad fun words, general naughtiness Plus if you can't stand gay sex getoutahere!  
> Feedback: What do I know? Bring it on!  
> Inspiration: THE Dom interview..you know the one. Plus the video clip of the MTV 15 second human movie review.  
> Disclaimer: Pure Fiction. I don't know these men. I certainly don't know if they actually call their manly dangly bits by the names in this piece  
> Now on with the show
> 
> * * *
> 
> Note from Shirasade: this story was originally archived at the Monaboyd.net Archive, which was closed in September 2014 due to software issues and a lack of new submissions for several years. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in October 2014. I e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on the Monaboyd.net Archive collection profile.

The sun is out full glare. Which is all right since we’ve been in the ocean most of the day. I do mean IN the ocean. We normally called this surfing but the ocean seems to have a different idea today. I’ve been dumped off my board more times than I care to reckon. I get up, my feet feel solid on the board and WHAM, I’m down visiting the fishies. My mate Billy doesn’t seem to be doing much better than I either. Time to go breathe some air and feel the sun instead of all this water.

“So tell me again Bills, why do we like surfing so much?”

“Cuz we like the feeling of near death experiences?”

“Oh right. How could I forget that notion? Yes, yes, I fancy saltwater in my lungs.”

Billy stretches out to the right of me. He used to be so pale but his rabid love of all things tied to surfing has given him a nice tan. Very un-Scottish of him I do believe. He lies upon our blankets like a man who thoroughly loves offering up his body to the ocean spirits for their malicious torture. In fact, I have to keep an eye on him that he doesn’t fall asleep on me like he did on the beach in Oceanside. It was not a happy time when he woke up and discovered the ocean spirits had decided he could begin his new life as a lobster. Mustn’t let that happen again. No.  
Poke.  
Poke.

“Hey, Bills…don’t be going to sleep on me mate.” I gave him another poke, all friendly like.

“Sod off Dom, I’m not asleep and I don’t think you need to be entertaining a death wish at your tender age.”

I detect a slight growl in his normal burr so this means I should consider my next step wisely. Life is too short to face death by an angry wee Scotsman.  
But what fun is that?

A few more minutes go by. Birds fly overhead and nearly crap on us. The smell of rotting seaweed is always bracing. A sand flea seems to find munching on my ankle refreshing. I am definitely not developing a nice tan, a terrible itch in tender places perhaps, but not a nice tan so prized by all these Californians. Orlando tans beautifully; I just get all warm and itchy. Lying here is not on even my long list of things to do. In short, I’m bored.  
Poke.  
Poke.  
Poke.

“Billy…”

Billy erupts in a roar and amazingly does a full body leap on top of me. We scuffle about and I realize that I am at a definite disadvantage here. I don’t know how he does it. Well maybe I do; he does have all that fuckin’ martial art training. Before I can yell my scariest Manchester best he has my arms stretched over my head, while his legs pin the rest of me down. Not that I am complaining mind you. I like it when he gets all manly and beats me into what he thinks is submission. It’s utterly fascinating. I know he finds it pretty exciting too since I can feel his dear Nessie waking up along with the Wonder Weasel.

‘Monaghan, ya can be a rrrright bugger, fuck ya!”

Billy’s face is right above mine. He has no idea just how beautiful I find him in moments like this. And he won’t either. I fancy living a long life. At this angle his eyes are blazing great green orbs similar to Sauron staring down at Frodo. I manage to wiggle my hips in my best salacious manner as I lick my lips for emphasis. In return he applies more pressure. Erk. Amazing how strong his arms are, such great biceps he has for being a small man. Still undaunted, I wiggle against him some more. Ahhh, Nessie and Wonder Weasel are truly saying hello now. Ardently.

“Give us a kiss Billy” I can’t resist. My tongue, a creature with its own mind comes out to play. I find myself raising my head to lick Billy along his cheek to his lower lip. Mmmmm salty goodness. Billy betrays himself now as I feel him move against me.  
“Dom….you…ermm….gah…Oh what the fuck.”

Billy presses his lips against mine and we release our tongues to duel each other. We both gasp for air but dive right back for more as we happily snog. His kisses are intoxicating; I could get right drunk just on kissing my Billy. Apparently he has other ideas.

“Not here Dom…no, get your hands out of my pants, not here I say! Oooooo gawd that feels, ..No, no…NOT HERE.”

For all that Billy loves the ocean I think he has a problem with sand, or maybe its gawking tourists, or both, we always seem to attract our share. I have yet to talk him into a good hot shag on the beach. So I reluctantly stagger to my feet and help him gather up our gear. I trudge up to the car while trying to convince my weasel to subside. Finally we manage to get all the gear stowed in Billy’s car, a miracle that never ceases to entertain me. Then we are off…

It’s a long ride back to our hotel. Not bloody convenient at all. Note to self: fire the travel clerk. I keep an eye on Billy as he drives. He appears so single minded…which is fine since I reckon getting to the hotel in one piece is a smart idea. Still, I would like to know if I can get Nessie to stir for me once again. Such fun.

“Dom…get your hand off my thigh. Right. There. Yes…..er nooooo, off off! Gahhh! Now see, I could have hit that sign there!”

Sigh. “Yes Billeh.”

My fingers twitch. His thigh is delicious to the touch. Deny, deny, deny. Bugger.  
Hmmm, now this is strange…my hands seem to have a life of their own…..ahhh look how they wander over! Amazin’!

“Dom-min-nic. I see that hand.”

“Sorry Bills, I can’t help myself.” Truly. I can’t. Don’t want to either. Won’t tell him that, heh.

“Yesss, yes you can Dom. Control…restraint…”

“OOOOOooo restraints! Can I tie you up when we get there Billy?”

“Tie me….No, you can’t, ya fuckin’ bastard! Last time we did that I could hardly walk the next day…You were walkin’ funny too as I remember it”

“Ohhh good times. Billy…”

“Watch the hand! Noo…Ohhh Christ on a crutch,…right there…Noo, Noooooo. Damm that was a close one! Don’t ya be unzippin’ me..DOM!!! NOT NOW!!!”

Well he does have a point…that was a close call with the lorry just then. I couldn’t help but giggle. I mean, I had faced death once already that day just surfing. Besides…Wonder Weasel was calling out to Nessie.

‘Oh fine. Right. I’m driving and yer getting me unzipped….”

MMMM unzipped…he makes that such a sexy sound…almost as good as when he rolls his rrrrrrrrrrrs so arrrrrrrrrrestingly. Ahh ha! My hand found its prize! Nessie!!!

“Gaaaaaaahhh, Dommmmm…nooooooooooonnnnggggghhhhhh”

Its wicked brilliant how he manages to pull the car over to the side so quickly. Got to admire his driving skills. Feh. Rather admire how hard he gets instead. He is not so swift with the seat belt straps however and I stifle my giggle as he flails in his seat while I stroke away. Nessie certainly appears happy to be in my hand. I’d try to kiss Nessie but considering the wild look on Billy’s face, he’d be likely to either box my ears or caress em. I’m not going to find out. Not yet at any rate. Instead I feel a plan coming on, a wicked good plan. I remove my hands and sit back in my seat, hands folded in my lap.

“Why’d ya stop? Go on, ya got me all exposed!”

“ I’ve had a change of mind. Lets find a pub. Enjoy a pint.”

“Enjoy. A. Pint… You! Have you lost yer mind ya great fuckin’ wanker? Look what a state you’ve got me in! You!”

“And a lovely state it is Billy. However, my mouth is terribly dry. Saltwater is less than tasty as you well know. I’d love to do more.” I take a moment to slither my tongue out and lick my lips. With meaning. Great luscious meaning. “But I am afraid I just couldn’t. I’d hate to disappoint you Billy…. Lets just find a nice quiet spot and have a few.”

Suddenly my Billy is doing an imitation of one of today’s fishies…his eyes look a bit bulgy and he is decidedly all agog; gasping as he stares at me. I give him my best charming cheeky bastard look and bat my eyelashes just for effect.

“You… you…We. Are.Going to the hotel. Now. No pub. No pints. Hotel. Now”

“Alright if you insist Billy…Hmmmm, you gonna zip up before we leave or do ya fancy flashing the lorry drivers along the way?”  
Ooo now that was quite the look he just shot me. It pains me to suggest he do this. He is so sexy driving down the road with himself all unzipped and his Nessie calling out to my Weasel. I’d be just as content with him unzipped driving along but on second thought, it might prove too much for even me.

“Look Dom, I’m trrrrrying my verrrra best to get us to the bloody hotel in one piece. You just keep yerrr hands to yerrrself and we’ll be there rrrright away.” He gives me a nervous look. I love how his rrrrrrrrs come out in full force whenever he is agitated. Agitated, yes, that’s it.

“Right Bills. Drive on!” My hands are resting primly on my lap. He thinks he is safe.

The road stretches out before us. Not too much traffic at this time of day. Billy has calmed himself, poor old sod. Just as I am sure he is relaxed a bit, I begin the next step of my brilliant plan. I unzip myself and slide my hand inside.

“Dom. What do ya think yer doin’ there?”

“Ya told me to keep my hands to myself so I am”

“Ermm…”

His eyes are getting all dodgy now. I know he wants to watch the road, avoid speeding lorries, sheep and passing signs. I know he also finds my hand fascinating…What to do, what to do…Watch the road. Watch my hand. Watch road. Watch hand. Road. Hand.  
Roadhand. Handroad. Haaaaaaaaaannnnddd.. Ooo look Billy, Weasel says hello!

“Arrrrrrgghhhh…OhfuckingbloodybastardfuckingbuggerFUCK! Did ya see I nearly swiped that poodle!’

“Billy, you exaggerate, it was a mossy rock not a poodle.”

“Eh, well. Rrrrright. That makes it all better. Yess, lets just crrrash into mossy rrrrrocks that look like poodles. That ought to be refreshing for the car and our nerrrrrrrves. Fuck.”

“Well Billy…”

‘No, not another word. I’m not looking at ya wanking in my car. Not looking. NOT looking. I’ve got to get us there in one piece…..then I’ll kill ya.”

The smile on Billy’s face makes even the Weasel think twice. With a great heavy sigh I tuck myself back inside and zip it. Not another word. For now. Heh.

Fifteen minutes later and we finally pull up to the hotel. I’ve been good as gold the rest of the way despite the shouts of the Weasel in my jeans. Poor lad. Billy seems to be in one piece although I detect a slight twitch whenever I see him glance over at me. Car and gear are stowed with the valet while we wander into our lovely hotel and saunter over to the elevator. It’s us and a bunch of conventioneers in this hotel…One bloody lift is out of order and the others are bloody slow. It is then that another brilliant plan comes to mind.

“What floor is our room Billy?”

‘Ummm fifteenth.”

“Ohh that’s nice”

Whoops, gotta watch myself…Billy might be on to me, he shot me another one of his Looks. Finally we align ourselves with the next lift and get on…I maneuver us to the very back corner. I feel it quite an accomplishment to maneuver Billy into the corner itself. He thinks we are trying to avoid being recognized. He thinks wrong.

As we begin to rise I turn and lean into Billy, pushing him firmly against the wall.  
“Oh excuse, me…..sorry, didn’t mean to do that” I whisper to him as I quickly reach out and unzip him once more.

“The hell you…eh!” The look, oh the look on his face is priceless…but I haven’t time to let him think of what to do…the lift has stopped and more are getting on. Now I turn around with my back to him and as the people press in, I press against Billy. More importantly my arse presses against him. Significantly presses. Salaciously wiggles against him. I can feel him flail away against me, all muffled against my back. I can also feel Nessie coming awake and alert again. Good old Nessie.

People get on, people get off. No one is really paying much attention to the wee man in the back being propositioned by the gorgeous man in front of him. Move my hips to the right chachacha…move my hips to the left chachacha…Press my arse against Nessie, press back, press back, pressss back. Fifteen floors is a good long while but all good things come to an end and at our floor Billy practically catapults us out of the lift. He is amazingly quick when it pleases him.

Once in the room Billy grabs and thrusts me hard against the wall, ramming against me as he wildly ravishes my face. His wondrously dainty hands are rapidly unzipping me and tearing my jeans down my legs. As wonderful as this is, I do have the presence of mind to notice the important things.  
“Bills, the door….the door…Shut the door. Shut the fucking door!!”

“Oh bugger….don’t you move! Not a inch! Fuck the door” POW, that’s one shut door suddenly.  
To our surprise out pops an elderly maid from the bathroom. A great surprise to all involved I might add…

“”Esta alquien alli? Ohh Ohhh mis ojos! Ohh mioooos dioossssssssss…” Apparently she doesn’t get much chance to see nearly naked men pressed against hotel walls while a wild-eyed Scotsman splays himself against the door looking like a caught rat in full panic mode. In her rush past me and to the door she practically rips Billy off it and mashes him into the adjoining wall. We can still hear her shriek as she races down the hall.

“Ooooooff fujammdedschrrrrrrr…” is the sound I hear from the mashed Billyinthewall.

“Billy ….Biiiillllllyyy…I’m not moving. Not an inch.”

From my angle I can see Billy open one eye…One glittering green eye. He slowly removes his body parts from the wall and leans up against it. Something about his expression makes me think I should start to worry. A tad.

“Dom, I swear … I dinna think I’d everrrrrrrrr…”

“Bills, did I just hear you say `dinna’?”

“Aye…ye did. I said dinna…as in I dinna want to kill you yesterday but today, aye…I dooooo. ”

“Oh”

“Strrrrangle ya with my own two hands”

“oh.”

I’m beginning to feel a bit sorry for myself. I had such plans…

“Take ya and toss ya into the biggest deepest loch we have in Scotland. Ye know the one.”

‘I do?”  
I offer Billy a feeble smile….and I haven’t moved an inch yet. Truly. Such plans I had…One blink and now I see Billy right before my face and I truly can’t move because he has each of my nipples in between his provocative fingers. Pinching. Hard. Yeoww.

“Ye dinna know do ye? Not a clue in that grrreat brain.”

“nnnngghhhh…”

I see an unholy light behind those glittering green eyes. I can’t move. I am the one gasping like a fish now. Wonder Weasel is on the move.

‘IT’S THE FUCKING LOCH NESS, YA FUCKIN’ WANKER!!!” Billy roars it at me.

And while I don’t know how he does it…maybe it is all that martial arts…he manages to pull me off the wall and toss me onto the bed. Clothes begin to fly in earnest now about the room as both of us become naked. Ohhh look, Nessie says hello!

Our bodies mash together, we both scrabble for each other. Pull, tug….pinch ..yeowww..  
There is nothing soft or slow about us in this bed. I tried to push him over but Billy would have none of it and straddles my hips instead. This is sex born of rough waves and itchy sand, of a long car ride and a slow elevator, of screaming maids and unyielding walls. Billy has both Nessie and the Wonder Weasel in his hands and he is stroking them together. Ohhhhgawdthatfeelsgood….they are very happy beasties. Mmmnnngghhh…  
My eyes fly open when I feel him press one slick finger into my arse. Exactly what I wanted. Oh Yes my Billy. Yes. Another please. Yes. My long legs find a rest upon his shoulders and OOOOOoooooYESSSSS…he is in me. FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK. He strokes over and over, in and out, in and out of me. He hits that sweet spot within and I surprise myself as I wail out his name. Loudly. Very. Wonder Weasel shouts out as well.  
All is good.

We lay in a puddle of ripped sheets and sweat. Tired now. Later more sex. Later. Yes.

“Dom?”

“Hmmm?”

“What would you like to do tomorrow?”

“Hmmmmm.” I kiss his forehead and hold him close. I love my Billy. “ Lets go surfing…”


End file.
